ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! Have we got your attention? Wonderful. Here at BleepCo, we’re dedicated to providing you and your family with tremendously sensitive smoke detectors. If your neighbor is having, say, a barbecue, or a house fire, our devices will sense it and you’ll be the first to know.
With advances in A.I., we’re now able to make appliances that can detect more than just smoke. Soon, you will be able to install the following new highly perceptive ceiling-mounted detectors.
IRONY Detector: Whether you’re having a party or just an intimate meet-up with a few friends, failing to catch even a shade of irony in conversation can leave you looking for the nearest fire exit. When you hear the subtle whine of the alarm, simply nod your head and emit a brief knowing chuckle. There—you’re “getting” irony! As a bonus, the Irony Detector is never wrong. If this detector goes off when nothing ironic has been said, well, then, that’s—ironic!
DISHEVELMENT Detector: Picture this: You’re about to step out the door to go complain about noise problems at your homeowners’-association meeting, when you hear a foghorn from above. You look up and see a detector flashing red, which can mean only one thing: you look awful. Sure enough, you’re wearing pajama bottoms, flip-flops, a stained sweatshirt, and a hat that your four-year-old put on your head to make her laugh. Hey, it happens to all of us.
JUST LISTEN Alarm: This alarm clangs when your partner is rattling on about the day’s annoyances and frustrations. Heed this alarm and bite your tongue! Your partner does not want advice; he or she wants you to Just Listen™. Disaster averted. The device has only one setting, Sensitive, like you should be. This is the most important alarm we manufacture, and—fun fact!—it is our worst selling by a stretch.
FRESH PODCAST Alert: There is a new podcast, somewhere, anywhere, in the world, and now you know it. This damn thing won’t shut up. We also sell heavy-duty, sound-muffling blankets to cover the device, because—come on—this thing’s going to be going off all day and night. But, thanks to A.I.’s superhuman ability to tolerate and catalogue billions of podcasts, you won’t miss a thing.
BATTERY LOW Detector: Using advanced “best guess” technology, this amazing earworm has a sensor that detects when a battery anywhere in your home could be on the “low” side. Hear the piercing alarm and be assured that something somewhere needs a battery replaced or recharged. Could it be a flashlight? A garage-door remote? Sure. It could even be the Battery Low Detector itself. The only way to find out is to replace all the batteries you own and exhale. The one thing it cannot do is tell you where the fresh AAA batteries are in your house.
TEN MINUTES AWAY Detector: How often have you received a text saying that your friend, or the person bringing the food you ordered, is “ten minutes away”? They’re not. Until now, there has been no way to tell when someone is actually almost there, specifically, ten minutes away. Most people are more like twenty or twenty-two minutes away, so don’t worry, this detector doesn’t go off very much.
A-O.K. Detector: It seems like so much is going wrong all the time—global warming, inflation, traffic, not to mention the crazy alarms in your home. Wouldn’t it be nice to have one siren that tells you when everything is copacetic? When the weight of the world seems a little too heavy, this detector can analyze billions of inputs and alert you that, in the grand scheme of things, you’re going to be O.K. You can’t miss it, it’s unnervingly loud. Oops! Sorry about that. ♦
