Dear Valued Citizen,
Let us help you to believe again. The American Unity Project works to rebuild faith in our shared system and purpose. We combat the divisive myths spread by polarized apps, biased reporting, and peer-reviewed studies, proving—one newsletter at a time—that the American experiment thrives.
Today’s topic? Your tax dollars, a theme that campaign-trail novices to stump-speech veterans return to, again and again. But how much of your income actually disappears into a black hole of graft and jingoism? None. And we’ve proved it.
Using a Chinese cyber-espionage backdoor, we tracked one dollar from the pocket of proud taxpayer Sam Lagow, of Silver Spring, Maryland, all the way to the halls of power. Then we determined the exact allocation of every cent of that dollar, to within a 1.776 per cent margin of error. Each penny touched American lives, and we hope that the results inspire you to not lie to the I.R.S.
Norton Antivirus 2017 ($0.07): Norton still exists, and keeps American secrets secure. Not from our team, or from anyone with similar software. But from the enemy.
Star Wars II ($0.09): The Gipper was simply ahead of his time. Today, orbital lasers are attainable, affordable, and unstoppable. Soon, a fully functional battle station will keep you free.
Corn ($0.02): Delicious corn.
Constellis Payments ($0.04): This firm looks like Blackwater, but it’s not. The logo is different, and they’ve spray-painted their helmets.
Sentry-Light Fuses ($0.01): Real supermax prisons have spotlights, just like those depicted in old-timey cartoons—how whimsical! Escapes, however, are far rarer these days. Much like parole and clean water.
Ukrainian Artillery ($0.03): Americans should know the value of defending democracy, right? In any event, Civilization players know the value of arming a rival’s victims.
Ghostwriters ($0.07): Everyone loves the Correspondents’ Dinner, but no one likes stale wit. For mere pennies a year, you keep federal setups tight and punch lines clear.
Pipeline Expansion ($0.02): Moving on.
Retirement Pizza Party ($0.02): For all his faults, Senator Bob Menendez served America on weekends. This Dave & Buster’s event honored that record. Moreover, if acquitted, the senator will reimburse arcade expenses in gold.
Rainy-Day Missiles ($0.06): ustJay inyay asecay ingsthay etgay othay inyay aiwanTay.
Slush Fund ($0.03): Shutdown debates are stressful. Whiskey Wednesday keeps the House (and America) running. The Senate prefers wine coolers.
The Naughty List ($0.02): An A.I.-generated list of potential terrorists. If you’re innocent, there’s nothing to worry about!
Twizzler Fund ($0.03): Chewy candy helps Liberty Caucus members stay still and silent during key sessions. Mostly.
Dipping Birds ($0.14): Admittedly, an odd one. A 1963 executive order requires that one red-white-and-blue perpetual-motion drinking bird be featured in every I.R.S. branch office, U.S.P.S. warehouse, and C.I.A. black site. Said birds are currently imported from Chengdu.
More Corn ($0.08): Can’t get enough.
Central Heating ($0.04): Instead of burning planet-killing fossil fuels, the congressional furnace directly converts currency to heat.
“Infrastructure” ($0.05): We’re unclear on the significance of the quotation marks, but we can all agree that it’s high time the U.S. railway system caught up to the twentieth century.
NATO Hors d’œuvres ($0.02): Finger food for freedom.
Project Reaper ($0.12): Details on this are scarce, but we’re excited. The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency conducts science, and science is the future. That’s where our children live. Well worth four cents, in our books.
Raytheon Tips ($0.03): Tipping is just basic manners. This fee provides a twenty per cent gratuity for each Raytheon transaction, along with hand-signed cards from the Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs.
Emergency Corn ($0.01): Reserves for hard times.
In conclusion, whether it’s to be spent on justice, infrastructure, or war misdemeanors, your money is safe in our hands. Rest well.
Sincerely,
The American Unity Project
The American Unity Project is a joint endeavor between Hallmark and the National Security Agency. If you think you’ve received this message in error, it’s your lucky day! You’re on the Naughty List, but we think you can be saved. ♦
