The reality is that parents and children (even the annoying ones) are people too, and I’d rather live in a world where all people are included—even if that world is a little louder. After all, as Jessica Blankenship once wrote for Bon Appétit, “Dining has never been a matter of an individual’s experience—it’s a collective one.” So, while I get charging for damaged furniture or decor in the event a child (or adult!) breaks something, surcharges for something as subjective as “bad behavior” is going to be a big, stinking “no” from me. 3.5/5 distressing. —Alma Avalle, digital production associate
I’m going to confess right now: I have microwaved Cup Noodles in the polystyrene cup many, many times. In collegiate, drunken hazes, I have definitely slammed a Cup Noodles into the ‘wave, waited right in front of the Faraday cage for it to heat up, and immediately downed its electromagnetic molecules. In fact, I have done this sober, as an adult. I’m not proud of it and I am treating this blurb as a safe space to share with you. Thankfully, people like me who play it fast and loose with chemical compounds no longer need to feel shame: Cup Noodles has announced that, starting in 2024, it will be officially microwaveable thanks to its new paper packaging. The packaging will also reduce cooking time from three minutes to two minutes and 15 seconds—a precious 45 seconds, in our harried day and age. What’s more, it’s far more sustainable, with a cup made of 40% recycled fiber and a sleeve made with 100% recycled paper. For the sake of college students and adults who don’t read product instructions everywhere, I’ll rate this a 4.4/5 delicious. —Karen Yuan, culture editor
Robert De Niro’s assistant is suing him in court, alleging that he sent her on superfluous “work wife” expeditions, including but not limited to getting him a very specific martini from Nobu (the restaurant he co-owns). He’s countersuing (claiming she “loafed” during work hours), and it’s all a big mess. Once, so the claim goes, De Niro asked the assistant to get him a single “particular” martini at 11 p.m. It’s unclear what this “particular martini” entails, but according to Insider, De Niro once declared that he takes his martinis made with Hendricks and a cucumber, shaken. That sounds like a martini that James Bond would order if he moved to Los Angeles and became a skincare influencer, if you ask me. Shaken, as martini drinkers know, means a watered-down martini, and with only a cucumber as a garnish you’re really just drinking mostly unflavored gin that’s very cold. A particular martini indeed. I’m giving this news an ice-cold, alcoholic, 3.9/5 distressing. —Sam Stone, staff writer
I recently got engaged but I already have a new soulmate. His name is Steve Mazzari—“Dollarita Steve” to you. Last Friday night, while a 3.9-magnitude earthquake rocked the Bay Area, my boy told KTVU-TV that he’d been “slammin’” the promotional $1 margaritas at a Fisherman’s Wharf Applebee’s during the shake. The decision to dine at Applebee’s was “entirely ironic,” he later clarified, prompted by nobody’s favorite chain airing its “Dollarita’s Back” ads in football games. Lush handlebar mustache and nouveau Jack Sparrow vibe aside, what I really love about Steve is his earning potential. After his televised bit achieved landmark virality on X (formerly Twitter)—“Nothing but respect for my president,” wrote one user—honey is going after sponsorship deals. So far Applebee’s is playing hard to get, but “I will take my business to Chili’s if it comes to that,” he told SF Gate. While boo and I live happily ever after, beware that the Dollarita is a fleeting special. I’m rating my king this very important news a 5/5 delicious. —Ali Francis, staff writer
