FLORENCE, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—In a withering takedown of the Department of Justice, the former drug lord Joaquín (El Chapo) Guzmán has claimed that the D.O.J. has been weaponized against him.
Speaking from his cell at a supermax prison in Colorado, El Chapo called his prosecution and incarceration “the greatest witch hunt in the history of witch hunts.”
“This should never be allowed to happen in our country,” he added.
Questioning the D.O.J.’s motives, El Chapo claimed that he has been imprisoned because of his consistently high poll numbers.
“You look at my polls, and they’re unbelievable,” the former narco-kingpin said. “I’m doing better than Biden. I’m doing better than DeSantis. And, of course, I’m doing better than Doug Burgum, who no one has heard of and who shouldn’t even be allowed to run, quite frankly.”
