School Mission
The mission of this nightmare school is to challenge students and prepare them for a role in a society in which everything is also terrible. We provide a standards-based curriculum that utilizes data and simmering panic to put you on the path to greater self-knowledge.
Staff Promise
We, the staff of the school from your nightmares, commit to partnering with parents (and also a random person from your office?) to tap into student potential. Working closely with our student-body president, who—oh, my God, it’s that actor! The “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” guy! And he seems weirdly sexy to you right now? Rob something? Man, he’s so effortless, sipping from that Capri Sun pouch. Rick? Hot damn, Rick Moranis!
Calendar and Curriculum
The first day of the school year will be the first day you show up, which is already too late. Anyway, here were the courses:
- A.P. Triple Calculus
- Scoliosis Check
- Final Exam
- Civil War Again
- Meatloaf
- We Saw You Change for Gym
- Motivational Speaking
Dress Code
Student attire should not distract from the learning environment, but let’s get this out of the way: you are naked. Bare ass on a hard, plastic seat. Bare ass on cold bleachers. Bare ass against the inside of a ratty mascot costume worn in the view of a smokin’ hot crush (role originated by Rick Moranis).
Grading Policy
Student achievement will be based on mastery of subjects, as determined by Common Core standards and what you suspect your parents really think about your career.
Grades will be weighted as such:
- 40%: Participation and classwork
- 50%: Blurry letters appearing and then disappearing on a sheet of paper
- 20%: Test you’re hearing about for the first time right now
- 5%: This is bullshit—you have a master’s degree!
- 15%: Hey, the math isn’t adding up, but that was never your thing. You were good at talking about “The Great Gatsby.” The green light at the end of the dock!
Report cards will be handed out four times a year, and blah, blah, blah—you obviously failed. Now you’ll never get into the college you already graduated from!
Homework
To regularly assess your progress, daily homework assignments must be completed during an overheated, quick break to kick the covers off. Not completing homework assignments may have an impact on your final grade and your ability to be approved for a mortgage.
Substitutes
On days when a member of our staff is out sick, we rotate through a roster of highly qualified substitute teachers, including an ex you’d rather die than see and a woman who was once rude to you at Outback Steakhouse.
Attendance Policy
Excused absences require documentation of one of the following:
- Puking in front of a crush
- An altercation with the library bat
- Enrollment in a class at the end of an unending hallway
Unexcused absences include:
- Waking up to pee
- Having a new, pleasant dream
School Nurse
Students may be authorized to visit the school nurse’s office when their teeth crumble out of their mouth and scatter like pixie dust, which happens frequently. Students presenting with head lice will have the fact that they are crawling with bugs announced to the entire student body, including Rick Moranis.
Immunization
It is the parents’ responsibility to provide proof of immunization or else risk you being accosted by your weird uncle who’s hanging out by your locker, ranting about the “flaking rash” and “violent twitch” he attributes to his COVID-19 shot. This doesn’t violate any code of conduct. This is just what you get for browsing Facebook after 10 P.M.
Graduation Requirements
- Earn thirty-six required credits
- Complete state standardized-test requirements (proctored by a raven)
- Complete sessions with a school counsellor (wait, hang on—was therapy free at one point?)
- Meet minimum extracurricular hours (try out for part of Nurse in “Romeo and Juliet” only to find out the senior play is “Grease”)
- Wake up
- Get lost in a corn maze?
Repeating Years
Students seeking to repeat academic years at the school from your nightmares may choose to pop another melatonin. ♦
