In its defence, at least Argylle is distinctively a Matthew Vaughn film. Several of his trademarks are in there, such as gimmicky, acrobatic fights accompanied by upbeat pop songs, and references to his supermodel wife, Claudia Schiffer: in one hotel room scene, her name is visible on the spines of the books.
It’s also apparent that Vaughn has serious influence in the music business. The second Kingsman film had a cameo from Elton John, but Argylle tops that by making prominent use of Now and Then, the Beatles song that came out in November, but which, in the world of the film, has been out for several years. It feels sacrilegious. Now and Then is probably the last new release that will ever be credited to the greatest pop group in history. Were the surviving Beatles really so short of cash that they felt compelled to license it to a dopey spy farce? Suddenly, the internet rumours that Taylor Swift wrote the film’s spin-off novel don’t seem quite so absurd.
The one Vaughn trademark that Argylle is lacking is the director’s usual adolescent offensiveness. He’s taken out all the sex, gore and swearing, which may be a sign of belated maturity, but which leaves Argylle seeming all too close to Ghosted, Shotgun Wedding, Freelance, Murder Mystery, and the other sort-of action, sort-of romance, sort-of comedy films which have been dumped on streaming services over the last couple of years. They’re all vapid, anonymous blocks of content, but at least the others offer something vaguely glamorous to slump in front of in your living room when you can’t settle on anything more nourishing to watch. Argylle, on the other hand, is being released in cinemas, so the shoddy and derivative nature of the enterprise is harder to forgive.
The worst part is that, according to the internet, Vaughn has got another Argylle film and two more Kingsman films in the pipeline. He just can’t stop himself. A Bond pastiche inside a Bond pastiche inside a Bond pastiche can’t be far away.
★★☆☆☆
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