I am happy to announce that I have opened a new waiting list, for people who have been trying to get on my regular waiting list. When and if there are openings on the regular list, those on the new list will be eligible to move into one of the open slots, after paying a transfer fee.
The new list is meant as an accommodation for people who have been unable to get on my regular waiting list, or even to get a response from me. It is my wish to give these applicants a glimmer of hope.
However, I must confess, openings on my regular waiting list are few and far between. But they do occasionally happen:
—Persons on the regular list are required to notify me at least once a month that they wish to remain on the waiting list. Failure to do so can result in removal, and a fine.
—Some new applicants for the waiting list fail to completely fill out the nine-page background check. Or they get it witnessed and notarized, but forget to submit the full set of fingerprints and a urine sample.
—Grounds for automatic expulsion is asking what the waiting list is for.
Under my bylaws, persons dropped from the list can apply to be reinstated. All they have to do is submit a new six-part application, along with a video in which they explain why they didn’t follow the rules. Plus pay a fee.
Long ago, there was no need for waiting lists. You could just march right in, slap down a sawbuck, and shout, “Gimme all you got!” And they would. But try that nowadays and the guy will laugh derisively, then pick up your sawbuck between his thumb and index finger, like a piece of filth, and hand it back to you. Then he’ll put you on a waiting list to be pummelled.
When I first started my waiting list, it was nothing more than a few fake names scribbled on a yellow notepad. I couldn’t get anyone real to join it. Even my so-called friend Don declined. My wife told me I was crazy. Then I caught a lucky break. The famous actor Cameron Hormel signed up. (He’s not famous anymore.) After that, my waiting list grew and grew, and along the way I picked up three Listy Awards and a new trophy wife.
You’re supposed to keep it secret if you get on my waiting list, but one way you can tell that someone is on it is if the person suddenly develops a haughty British accent. Some people proclaim that they don’t even want to be on my list. Nice try, but that won’t get you on the list.
Young people today have no interest in starting a waiting list. They would rather sit in their parents’ basement and play video games. And that’s fine by me, because my video game, Jack’s Waiting List, is No. 1 in sales. In the game, you go on a dangerous quest to get on my waiting list; it involves slaying ogres and demons and other applicants. You are tempted by false lists. At last you arrive at the castle that holds the True Waiting List.
Some people lament the number of waiting lists these days, for everything from getting brain surgery to meeting the Pope. But being on my waiting list is a source of pride that you can take to your grave. It gives you peace of mind. Despite all the uncertainties of life, you can sit in your rocking chair on the front porch, take a puff from your pipe, and smile, knowing that you have a secure spot on my list, unless you don’t pay your dues. ♦
